April 20, 2016
Sometimes I fall down. Not physically. Just everything else falls down. It can be a fast and violent as a rigging pipe, snapping up into the ceiling, rebounding forcefully out, then crashing to the floor of my own personal stage. Other times, other times I gracefully fall under a quiet laziness. Words don’t come out, and sometimes they continue to build faster and faster until I can no longer know decipher my own thoughts. Both feel scary. No matter what this is something I understand is going to be a consistent part of my life.
I can usually feel it coming. It can be planned for if I actually pay attention. I used to call it going numb. I think that is still an accurate description of the haze.
I remember being younger and hearing people talk about “seeing red” when they became furious. Or the idea of ‘blacking out’. All of these colors are used to describe experiences. We relate to color. I really enjoy colors, however there isn’t one select color for this experience of mine. I think things tend to get brighter and louder. I am not sure while it is happening. It is a primarily experiential moment for myself.
I do not think I do not like being lonely. Or alone, at the very least. I have been trying to come to a conclusion about how I feel about having close friends, that I have to see everyday inside my home, and, more often than not, outside my house.
I miss New York a lot. Its interesting.
I hate how people have to come into my room to pee, brush their teeth, do their laundry, etc. I miss having my own space. Hell, I really just want my own place. With a dog and a decent surround sound system. That is going to be a cool time in my life. I am gearing up for summer. I want to see if I can make myself a reading list. There’s a good couple of books that I would like to finish.